You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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