Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
