I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.