Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
