DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"