Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im six kinds of drunk right now
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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