If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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