I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
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But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.