My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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