the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
