he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
