the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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