I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
