Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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