he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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