If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
