I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
