Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
