Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
false alarm, still single
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
