I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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