I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
