I'm eating all of the evidence.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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