i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
a search helicopter?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
