She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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