So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
