he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
