I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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