I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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