So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
