I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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