I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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