I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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