Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
