you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
