the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
