sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
