i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
