I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
