Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
