im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
