Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize