dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
