i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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