I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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