So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
