You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
