This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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