I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
