This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
