i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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