I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
