Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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