yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
