Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
