So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
