Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
