Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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