I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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