She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
