new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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